THE PESSIMIST has had it with people blaming Monte Kiffin for the Bucs December tank job.

THE PESSIMIST has had his morning coffee. Combined with Chucky’s month-long tank job, THE PESSIMIST is ready to rock.

Fasten your seatbelts.

The next time THE PESSIMIST hears some parrot walk up to him squawking about how the defense quit because the defensive coordinator (Kiffin) quit, THE PESSIMIST is going to take a baseball bat to him.

Or lock him in a closet and force him to listen to a non-stop loop of those overaged, unemployed yenta chicken wing waitresses that pollute the local airwaves. Shame on Les Moonves!

To those who regurgitate this nonsense about how the defense laid down because Monte Kiffin left for Tennessee need to clam up because each time they open their mouths they prove their ignorance of football, or are too lazy to do the simplest research that even a moron like the former self-admitted steroid abuser could do.

If this premise is to be believed, that Kiffin is the root cause of the defense falling apart in December, then someone, anyone, feel free to explain to THE PESSIMIST why the defense coughed up 384 yards to the putrid Chiefs the first week of November? The Chiefs!

Or explain how about the vaunted Bucs defense spotted the NFL record-setting, historic worst team, the Lions, 10 points in the first quarter? The Lions of all teams! Detroit’s rookie running back Kevin Smith had 86 yards rushing in a game where the Kittens had to pass to catch up in the second half.

Sound familiar?

What, did Lions offensive coordinator Jim Colletto suddenly go from abject moron to Bill Walsh? Colletto is such a miserable offensive mind — keyword: offensive — that he had one of the worst offenses in recent Big Ten history when he coached Purdue. Can you imagine?

Yet so many empty heads throughout the country much less locally are jumping up and down that Kiffin has Pearl Harbored the Bucs.

Indeed!

So the Bucs losing their starting defensive tackles against Carolina, replaced by a couple of Chiefs castoffs (repeat that phrase a couple of times for it to sink in) had nothing to do with the defensive collapse? So Derrick Brooks playing with more injuries than THE PESSIMIST can count on one hand had nothing to do with the defensive collapse? So starting safety Jermaine Phillips being lost for the season with a broken arm had nothing to do with the defensive collapse? So (over the hill?) Ronde Barber getting burned more than microwave popcorn wasn’t a problem?

Please!

So then explain to THE PESSIMIST, anyone, how the Bucs defense had solid outings after Joe reported in mid-October Kiffin was sniffing around for a possible college job? Anyone? Bueller?

The next time someone tells THE PESSIMIST to his face that Kiffin is the reason the Bucs aren’t in the playoffs, you may read about THE PESSIMIST in tomorrow morning’s 19th-Century version of news delivery.

Then again, maybe the fishwraps are no longer in the business of reporting (alleged) assaults?