Everything The Sage Ate On Thursday Night
June 21st, 2019
It’s the time of year when Joe can step back for a brief moment from the pain of 11 consecutive seasons of no playoffs to appreciate competitive eating. As promised on the Ira Kaufman Podcast, Joe dispatched manbeast intern Zach Seifter to cover the exploits of a local media icon at a classy buffet. “The Sage” brought his A-game.
BY ZACHARY SEIFTER
JoeBucsFan.com intern
He may have started a diet on Tuesday, but that didn’t stop the Sage of Tampa Bay sports, iconic JoeBucsFan.com columnist Ira Kaufman, from hitting every food table at Ed Morse Cadillac Brandon on Thursday night during the unveiling of the brand new 2020 XT6.
Whether it was samples from waitresses or a plate from the pasta bar, the Sage finished every type of food offered at the event. Here’s the rundown of his feast:
*The Sage walks into the building with his Ed Morse Cadillac shirt on. His first move is to get himself a drink. But in this hot summer weather, he decides to begin the evening with a cold bottle of water. It’s never a bad time to hydrate.
*His eye catches a glimpse of the first food table. There are plenty of goodies to choose from, but The Sage gets things started with some hot artichoke dip on a cracker. There goes his diet as the dip was filled with Parmesan cheese sauce and a hefty serving of crumbled bacon. He makes up for it next by grabbing fruit and cheese. Ira quickly downs the watermelon, cantaloupe and cheese and moves on.
*After having his appetizer, Ira finds his way over to the pasta bar, the featured course Ed Morse Cadillac Brandon offered for the evening. The Sage decides on his order: penne pasta with marinara sauce, topped with shrimp, sausage and grated cheese.
After downing his Italian cuisine, a waitress makes her way over with a tray of coconut shrimp. Of course, The Sage can’t say no and has himself one delicious shrimp.
*Intermission. In between his eating, Ira gets pulled aside by a die-hard Bucs fan, Mr. Hewitt Smith, to talk football. Among the topics of conversation are Mike Smith and Jameis Winston. Ira delivers sage wisdom to the delight of Hewitt before looking around the at the beautiful vehicles in the showroom.
*The waitress is making her rounds again. Only this time she is carrying a dish called a “Cuban Cigar.” It is everything that you would find in a Cuban sandwich only it is like a spring roll as opposed to a sandwich. There is no bread in the dish.
*Back to the hors d’oeuvres. The Sage is able to spot the hot crab dip right across from the appetizer that started his night. This dip has Surimi crab in a cream cheese base with seasonal lemon dill and old bay. He scoops the dip on some bread and gobbled it up before the main event of the night.
*Second intermission, this time for the unveiling of the new 2020 XT6. Ira hops in the front seat, looking for the ignition to drive the beauty right out of the showroom. After failing to start the car, the Sage makes his way back to the table for his second round of fruit. This time he fills his plate with pineapple, cantaloupe, grapes, watermelon and one strawberry.
*After finishing his second filling of healthy stuff, the waitress comes around once again, this time with mini-corndogs and mustard. The Sage takes just one, but after taking it in, he decides that one just isn’t enough and grabs a second.
*He didn’t have to wait long for his favorite waitress to make her way back out, with the final sample of the night. It’s a Southwest chicken empanada with a hot tabasco sauce dip. The Sage politely refuses the hot sauce but downs the empanada, no problem.
*Dessert time! With only a few minutes to go at the event, Ira looks like Tom Brady in a 2-minute drill. He walks over to the dessert table and demands a cookie. He gets his wish, as a large, square cookie with white icing adorning the Ed Morse Cadillac logo along with 2020 XT6 written on it, is given to him. He savors every last bite before packing it in.
June 21st, 2019 at 8:13 am
haha, Love the play by play take just like the Winston OTA notes.
June 21st, 2019 at 8:18 am
This is riveting stuff.
I’m dying to know how many times Ira went to the bathroom and if he flossed after each portion.
Yesterday, we covered religion. It was amusing to read the vast array of opinions from the ubiquitous Bible thumpers, ambivalents, and the atheists.
Today, how about giving a story about Jameis’s political views or his take on the Phoenix cops that threatened to “put a cap” in a woman whose 4-year old child lifted a doll from a Dollar Store.
That should fire everybody up …
June 21st, 2019 at 8:20 am
It’s amazing what gets published when no one has to pay for ink and manual type setters.
😉
June 21st, 2019 at 8:23 am
JA—
Yes, politics and religion! Just what this site needs during this football downtime. Add a little debate on whether chicks with d!cks should compete in women’s sports and I think we have a winning trifecta!
June 21st, 2019 at 9:09 am
Enough of this riveting BS… We need more podcasts, not culinary reviews
June 21st, 2019 at 9:15 am
FANTASTIC!! “Like Brady in a two minute drill”.
If don’t like this you have a dump in your pants.
Best work I’ve ever seen out of an intern, ever.
June 21st, 2019 at 9:18 am
Thank goodness there were no such internships when I was a young up-and-coming writer, served my apprenticeship under the late George Brantner, sports editor for the Northern Virginia Sun — covered University of Maryland basketball (Lefty Driesell era)…TC Williams football (Remember The Titans)…..looking back at what this kid is doing….oh well, count the young TE as most as a Fortunate Son (CCR)…obw, Brantner could have been Archie Bunker’s understudy
June 21st, 2019 at 9:23 am
This is hands-down the best article I’ve ever seen on this site
June 21st, 2019 at 9:24 am
LOL! He actually did it! lol
June 21st, 2019 at 9:32 am
For those hating on the article, try listening to the podcasts. It came up as a joke to do it during an Ira podcast and Joe was like, let’s do it for kicks!
Just for fun.
FYI, it’s Joe’s website. When you do your own site, you can do what you want on it too.
“Cuban Cigar.” It is everything that you will find in a Cuban sandwich only it is like a spring roll as opposed to a sandwich. There is no bread in the dish.”
I have to try making that.
June 21st, 2019 at 9:39 am
For those bitching about everything on JBF now. Why not leave and come back when training camp starts if you are so unhappy.After all you are not paying for this site it is free!!
June 21st, 2019 at 10:09 am
Keep the kid Joe he’s doing great things like this gem 😂😂😂
June 21st, 2019 at 10:38 am
excellent stuff Joe’s….keep it coming 🙂
***mmmmmmmm, floor pie
~Homer Simpson
June 21st, 2019 at 11:13 am
Love the article and happy you guys actually did it. We need a total calorie count revealed on the podcast. Good job Zach.
June 21st, 2019 at 11:33 am
Omg Zach you are an undiscovered genius! Sarcasm, snark, and observational humor, you’ve got what it takes to make it in this league kiddo. Great article, great job. Best part: the Cuban Cigar. No mayonnaise ever! Mustard and pickles only.
June 21st, 2019 at 11:37 am
You’re doing a phenomenal job, Zach! Fantastic coverage of the sage: detailed, well-written, fascinating… We need more articles like this! Would it be too much to ask for a mini-podcast video session from tonight’s event for those who cannot make it??? We want more sage!!
June 21st, 2019 at 7:24 pm
I have to admit my mouth was watering towards the end lol
June 21st, 2019 at 7:30 pm
Amazing. Doing great work Zach!
June 21st, 2019 at 10:15 pm
Man-Beast, Intern Zach!
Fantastic piece.
Good luck on your diet, Sage!
June 22nd, 2019 at 6:31 am
haha, this was an excellent article! I love monitoring the culinary delights of our Sage.
So much for the diet Ira, keep up the good work!
June 22nd, 2019 at 12:07 pm
LOL