Salma Hayek will escort a member of the Bucs press corps before Willie Parker suits up for the Bucs.

Joe’s not a morning person. So imagine his surprise when, upon showering and grooming himself early this morning, even before his daily 20-ounce requirement of hot java, Joe turns on his Blackberry still half asleep and discovers an e-mail from someone with access to Bucs insiders. 

Joe’s friend suggested Joe should take a gander at a forwarded link from the formerly colorful Bucs hand-held magazine.

Seems there was a dubious player transaction rumor floated.

So the Bucs have “interest” in Pittsburgh running back Willie Parker? Joe laughed nearly as hard as he did the day before when he heard the “King of all Media,” Howard Stern, ask Mr. Skin to critique a shower scene in Schindler’s List.

As a member of the Bucs press corps e-mailed Joe shortly thereafter, “I’m interested in dating Salma Hayek, but nobody is reporting that because it’s not going to ever happen!”

This Parker rumor — unsourced mind you — is so wild that Joe literally had to compose himself for a few hours to properly explain.

As noted philosopher René Descartes once wrote, “I have the NFL Network, therefore I am a man.” Naturally, Joe watches this superior channel daily. One of his favorite series is “America’s Game,” which is an hour-long documentary that chronicles a full season of each Super Bowl-winning team.

In the episode for the 2008 Pittsburgh Steelers, maybe a minute or two was devoted to the friction between Parker and Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin. Despite being the No. 1 back on an eventual Super Bowl winner, Parker groused how he wasn’t getting enough touches.

The acrimony grew so tense between Parker and Tomlin, that Tomlin openly mocked Parker during a press conference saying, “Every day I come to work I walk by five Lombardi Trophies, not five rushing title trophies.”

Ouch!

Remember that Tomlin and Raheem the Dream are close friends who speak often, if not weekly. Also note that the Steelers spent a first round draft choice on running back Rashard Mendenhall. Think there may have been a reason for that? Also, the Steelers don’t often get burned on letting starters walk away.

So let Joe get this straight: A guy who kvetches about not enough carries on a Super Bowl winning team is going to come to an expected horrid team and share the load with three other backs, one of which a high-ranking Bucs official wants to get more carries (Derrick Ward)? Really?

Throw in the fact that running backs who reach 30 generally hit a wall. Running backs have limited tread on the tires, short shelf lives. How much longer can Parker be an effective back?

Parker is 29.

Joe was under the impression Mark Dominik wanted a younger team?

Now Joe’s not saying he wouldn’t welcome Parker. Far from it. Parker, a lightning quick scatback, would be a great change-of-pace runner for the slogging, punishing backs the Bucs currently have (Cadillac Williams, Earnest Graham and Ward).

But this Parker rumor just doesn’t add up on so many levels.

Why, this Parker rumor is such rank agent-driven speculation, Joe is more than surprised the good doctor himself, The Mad Twitterer, hasn’t been all over his social media accounts shoveling this story to the masses.